Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I'm just sayin'...

...what not to say to an adoptive parent.

David and I have heard just about everything...most of which would floor you.  Over the years we have grown thicker skin, a sense of humor, and a great cache of responses.

But there are those moments that make you want to punch someone or grab 'em by the throat and choke the life out of them...especially when it directly effects your child in a negative way.

Here are the two worst comments made to us.  The first being literally the first and the second being the most recent, yesterday in fact.

1.  2006.  Upon arriving home with Stan from South Korea just days earlier, we attended our first Mass with our new baby boy. (It happened to be Easter Sunday mass).

An elderly lady, a mother of six children - 3 of them sons,  (who was also known to be quite "know-it-all-ish" and boastful) made a bee line up to me and said, "So!  You had to adopt to get your son!"  (Thinking she was funny.)

I came THIS close to punching her in the face...even with it being Easter Sunday Mass.  But all I could manage to do was pick my jaw up off the floor and walk disgust.

(Insert an unnecessary FYI here)  ...we signed a form that said we would not reject a referral based on gender.

2.  David just recently took a phone call (from someone very close in relation) and this man inquired about my pregnancy and health.

David told him how well things were moving along.

The man said, "Wow!  Maybe you'll finally get your boy!"

David:  "I already have a son."

Dead silence.

The man:  "You know what I mean."

David:  "No.  I don't."

Dead silence.

The man:  "Oh just forget about it."


You know, it isn't about our feelings.  It is about Stan's.

A valuable piece of advice that had been passed onto us some years back was... what response Stan hears from our mouths is what is most important.  Hopefully, this man has learned.

When we look at Stan we see no  difference in skin color or facial features.  We just see plain old Stan who happens to be our first born son...100%!


During National Adoption Month, I ask that you pray for all those who are patiently waiting for their forever family, their forever child, birthmothers and fathers who make the decision to place a child rather than abort a child, and for these new families as they adjust to their new lives.

~Adoption:   Love has many paths!

~  Patty ~


  1. Uughhh! Makes my blood boil. I loved how you said you just see your Stan...your first born son. I so can relate to that...we just see our E! :).

  2. And following up to Grace in my heart...when I look at adopted children in other families, I don't see adoption at all. I see families.

  3. It takes a very special person to love a child that didn't come from their body as if he/she did. (I hope I said that right!) Honestly, I don't know if I could do it. I admire people who can!

  4. Sorry you have had to put up with rude comments, some people truly just don't understand. we have been lucky so far and have not experienced any negative comments (not to our face anyway!). It helps when you have an older sister to pave the way. :)

  5. Oh Patty, this is a beautiful post. it made me smile, for your composure!! and your Godly heart. Thank goodness and our Good Lord that we do see our adoptive children as our own. that's the way it is meant to be. Following up on what Mary said above, being an adoptive mother myself, I don't think it takes a very special person to love an adoptive child as if the child came from her womb. It just takes an ordinary person who wants to be a mom. the rest (it seems to me anyway) comes naturally. God has a way of making mothers out of women who did not birth a child. Motherly love is like that I guess: pure and unconditional. and of course, no offense to Mary. I'm just sayin'. :) I lovelove your prayer at the end of your post.

  6. Ugh, people can be so insensitive sometimes! Great insight you share and model for others...Love that advice about your response being what Stan hears and learns...So true! And others learn from your responses as well. My (adopted) husband is always quick to correct people when they ask about his "real" parents...He firmly states that these ARE his real parents and he has no others.

  7. @Tiffany, we hear something similar. We hear, "But he (Stan) isn't yours yours.". I reply, "Oh yes he is ours ours. He is a transplant and the girls ate homegrown." :). That usually quiets the person and you can just see the wheels turning in their heads as they try and figure out what I just said. Kind of comical :)

  8. @ Jill, and she is a great trail blazer your sister! :)

  9. Argh! The whole issue of gender is really going to push me over the edge some day. I have 5 daughter and one son. Each time we are expecting, EVERYONE says something to the effect of, "Maybe you'll get another boy this time." As if the only reason we're having children is to have a boy. We do happen to be expecting another boy this time, and that really has everyone talking about Joseph finally getting a brother. Don't get me wrong. I am very excited about having another son and know that he and Joseph will share a special bond that he cannot have with his sisters. But, I would have been equally excited to have another daughter. Honestly, it never even occurred to Joseph to be upset or disappointed that he didn't have a brother until every Tom, Dick and Harry continually pointed it out to him.

    Like I said at the hit a hot topic with me here! God bless you for your patience and wit!

  10. Perfect responses!

  11. It is hard to imagine what possesses people sometimes!

    We got some crazy insulting comments after our 4th daughter (that we were thrilled about) was born. It hurt me most that my older girls had to hear them. I agree though- it is what we say that counts. Still... people are strange sometimes.

    I like your "homegrown/transplant" comment. That is good! I won't tell you what I used to say when people asked me if I "know what caused that?" (being pregnant). It would not be fit for the blogosphere. ;)

    God bless you and all of your blessings! :)


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