Saturday, February 5, 2011

Ponderings




We have slowly recovered from the awesome shock of Thursday and I have found myself deeply pondering the actions of the past 12 days.  I know that I need to write my thoughts down while they are still so fresh on my heart and mind...

What I do know is that 12 days ago, I measured 7 weeks pregnant but only saw the image of an empty space, a void that showed no heartbeat nor any signs that a baby had even been there.  Empty and black.  I have been down that road before and knew what it meant.

I can remember feeling the hormones quietly slip out of my body...it always feels that way when you miscarry.  I felt normal.  I felt not-pregnant.  My stomach went flat as a board.  No signs of a baby bump were left and I was able to use a belt again with my jeans.

Two days later, the old signs starting making themselves known.  We chalked it up to left over hormones, which happens.  Do you know that even though your body begins to miscarry, you can still have a positive pregnancy test?

Those feelings started growing worse with fevers and chills.  I remember thinking that I may have the flu.  It sure felt like it.  And the fever passed. 

Sunday came along and I noticed I started to look a little bloated and truly hoped that this was mother nature starting to work.  Nothing. Except for the awful feeling of nausea that came around.  I grew discouraged since I still had those symptoms and knew that I would have to suffer through them at least another day.

I recall telling my mother, David, and others that if I would only feel better, it would be so much easier to move on. 

On Monday, I was feeling completely and utterly abandoned.  I told David I was praying but only felt as though I was going through the motions...I didn't feel the prayer in my heart.  I was even angry at God.  I knew so many others were praying for us, and still felt abandoned.  I even felt undeserving of those prayers because I was angry.

I was able to share with David that the only times I felt my prayers in my heart were when I prayed the rosary with my kids.  We are not a family that can make it through the entire rosary in one sitting.  We break it up throughout the day: two decades in the morning, two decades in the afternoon, one at bedtime.  That was when he reminded me about Mother Teresa.

He told me how she wrote that on so many, many occasions she felt abandoned and that her faith was empty, but yet she prayed her rosary, never ceasing.  So we prayed a decade right there on the spot.

I will never forget how my dear husband was there at one of my darkest moment and not wanting to use profound words, simply reminded me about one of the holiest people that lived - while we lived. 

Another bout of fever and chills came and went.  I remember how worried I was with that second bout.  On top of it, the weather was to be very severe. 

One week after seeing the dark and empty womb, David told me that I was "looking pregnant".

 There was no way I would entertain that thought.  To begin thinking of that or even hoping for that was not allowed in my head nor anywhere near my heart.  I was not going to go in with that hope only to have my heart utterly and completely crushed again.

And then it happened.  Thursday, 10 days later.   They did the sono one way...I was watching David since I could not see the monitor and he just shook his head no.  Okay.  I was good.  I was expecting that. 

Then they administered the sono another way...David started to wildly nod his head up and down, and  I remember not being able to move.  I could not breathe.  I just stared at the ceiling and felt numb.  I was completely in shock.

David and I have had a good heart-to-heart since then.  We agreed that we desperately needed serenity and peace.  Our family needed serenity and peace.  We decided that we must and will give it all over to God.  We adopted the motto: Let Go and Let God. 

The kids are ecstatic.  Their joy is so pure and full.  It is over flowing.  At first, to protect them, I wanted to tell them just take it one day at a time.  But I cannot dictate to them how they should feel.

 And in reality, their overflowing joy easily chases away any fears that try and snake their way into my mind.  I will not allow fear or any what ifs.  The joy of the littles will not allow it near me as well.  They are my protectors! 

Last night I found myself thinking...I am not out of the woods but I am so happy to be back in them!  I am  sick.  And I can now embrace it.

 I am finding myself easily saying (and knowing) that I do trust in Jesus.  I do not know for sure the outcome, but I do trust in Jesus.

Some have asked when we are due.  I really do not know.  Two different sonos with two completely different readings.  So I resort to the old method of calculation and mark the day for September 15 - Mabel's birthday :)

My heart and head are full.  I feel the peace and serenity.  But even though I can write all these thoughts down, I still am not sure what transpired.  I know life is a miracle.  I believe in miracles.  But in me?  I cannot quite wrap my brain around that.  It is me, the person who was unable to really mean it when she prayed.  The person who was growing rather angry with God. 

God certainly is a merciful God and humility is food for the soul!

~Patty~

12 comments:

  1. I think there's a world of difference between being terribly upset and losing your faith. It is only natural to want to be angry with someone - and, goodness me, we've all been angry with God at some point in our lives!
    You have been through so much, take it one day at a time and see what happens :-)
    xxxCate

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  2. I had tears reading this. I can't imagine what you're going through and the loneliness you felt. You are so incredibly blessed to have such a supportive husband who is wise enough to turn to prayer! Still praying to Mary & St. Gerard, and will continue throughout your pregnancy!

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  3. Congratulations! I hope you feel better soon. X

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  4. Patty,

    I can so relate to everything you are saying...especially that part about being happy to be in the woods! Boy, do I wish we were there. :)
    I have to say, we had the exact same experience with our first. An ultrasound showing a black void, 2 weeks of morning sickness, sitting on the couch wondering why I have to feel that way if I am not pregnant anymore, and then a second ultrasound with a baby and a heartbeat! The rest is history!
    Praise be to God for the miracle of life!

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  5. But you were faithful in that you prayed anyway. Despite your human feelings. God is amazing and works in mysterious ways. You must have needed this. I am just so happy for you.

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  6. Let go, let God, was my maternal grandmothers favorite saying. She had a magnet on her fridge that said it. Every time I hear it I think of her. So simple and true. It's gotten me through many trying times as well. I'm glad you have found some peace through all of this, perhaps your story will bring comfort and hope to others in similar situations. It's wonderful that there are still things in this world that doctors and science can't explain. God has his little ways of letting us know he is still in control.

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  7. Everytime I think of your story my heart smiles and I remember that God IS a good God! I will keep praying for you!

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  8. Thanks, Ladies. Thank you so much.

    Jill, words of wisdom indeed!

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  9. Wow, the emotions you must be feelings. I don't know you other than in the blog world but I trust the faith that we share. Enjoy your motherhood and your time with each life no matter how long or how short. Years ago my sister was told to abort because her child was stuck in the tube. They could not find the sack. She went to a pro-life doctor that said to wait two more weeks. She would not be in danger for 15 more days. He instructed her to be joyful and thankful for that life. He told her to embrace motherhood even if the child would not be able to live past that time. It was great advice. It smacked normal society in the face and loved the child just for being. My sister had a hard time those two weeks but she did enjoy being a mom (it was her second pregnancy - the first she had almost died from as it ended with an ectopic rupture). After two weeks she had anoter ultraound and everything was fine and healthy. Either way my sister loved that child and offered the baby back to God. Motherhood at it's best, love at the cross. YOu are in my heart and prayers!
    in Him,
    Shannon

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  10. Oh my, I'm crying and my groceries are due to be delivered. Must go wash my face! Exactly the same happened to me so know the rollercoaster you've just experienced. Here it is from my old blog: http://thesullivanfamily.wordpress.com/2008/09/29/from-hopeful-to-hopeless-in-one-morning/

    I'll be praying to St Gerard for you, my friend xxx

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  11. Oh and you may want to read the post before the one above. My faith was shaken too.

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  12. Oh what a wonderful witness you will be for others. God has such amazing plans for you...I see it already unfolding:-) Our prayers continue to be with you!!!!

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